CHAPTER 92

2025-10-04

Feelings unresolved, matters unfinished, yet clinging to the world of dust.

On the road to the next life, wishing still to linger,

wandering souls and wild ghosts lament all the more.

After suffering from depression for several weeks, I began taking psychiatric medication, and the dosage was gradually increased. Several weeks later, suicidal thoughts appeared. Three weeks after being hospitalized for treatment, these thoughts had greatly decreased.

All along, my wife and I had both strongly resisted depression.

Because I had endured several difficult crises, I had great confidence in my own character, self-control, and willpower. I had never thought that I myself would fall into emotional illness. Speaking of self-esteem, I also could not accept that someone who had been a helper of others had now switched roles and become someone who could not save himself (in truth, this was arrogance).

My wife also said that if I got depression, she would not know how to respond. Later, I came to understand: I had always been her mental pillar. She was able to feel at ease accompanying the whole family through different difficulties, holding the formation—what is called “even if defeated, never lose formation.”

But this time, depression struck me down and took away her mental pillar, so she lost her support. As my illness worsened and my will weakened, she observed that I had suicidal thoughts, which made her even more anxious. In the end, she and our younger son decided to seek psychiatric help, which led to my hospitalization in June.

There is an important connection between suicide and self-rescue. Analyzing my own case, I came to the conclusion that seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is a biological instinct, and suicide is an extreme way of avoiding pain—a way of trying to escape and seek release. During the course of illness, if positive conditions appear in body, mind, or circumstances, they can all slow down, even relieve, the process of suicide.

I have briefly spoken about my thinking pattern when my depression was severe: first drawing a conclusion, then piecing together examples from life to fit that conclusion, while belittling or ignoring things that contradict it. In this way, the reasoning becomes flawless and self-consistent.

The pain came from four aspects:

(1) Body: energy inside and out completely exhausted.

(2) Mind: convinced I was at a dead end, body and mind both out of ammunition and supplies, no retreat possible.

(3) Feeling: the patient feels no one understands their anxiety and despair.

(4) Objective reality: difficulties that truly exist and must be handled.

Any measures that respond to the above four items can ease or relieve the patient’s anxiety and despair. I encountered them all.

At that time, my wife reminded me, “A father’s suicide will destroy his son’s life.” I understood, and agreed; it was impossible not to consider. Suicide leaves on the hearts of one’s dearest loved ones an unhealable wound, affecting them for life. The family doctor also reminded me that insurance does not pay out for suicide cases, leaving an even bigger mess behind.

Before my hospitalization, my suicidal thoughts kept increasing. I pondered how to die without leaving loose ends for my family. Thinking it over and over, according to my concerns at the time—terrifying death scenes, pain, ending up half-dead, no insurance payout, drawing attention, and stirring up trouble—I said “No!” to all six.

My conclusion was: there is no good way to “die.” When one still clings to this life, one is not in a hurry for the next. Thinking this way at the time showed that my rational thinking still functioned, and that is why I have lived to this day.