CHAPTER 82

2025-09-04

Gain after pain, and my younger son's growth is a case in point.

Lun is severely autistic. He doesn't like to communicate with others, except for asking for essentials and services. Namm, his younger brother has grown accustomed to this and doesn't actively engage in communication or interaction, instead developing a self-entertaining personality. He's also naturally quiet and gentle, not noisy, not greedy, and not very active. He can keep to himself without causing any disturbance and is easy to care for, as both his grandparents say.

After my wife passed away, Namm and I discussed many past events and reflections in the quiet of our house. One of them was closely related to autism. He commented that his social development was ten years behind his peers.

Looking back, I generally agree with his observation: social lag has always been with him. The predicament of being ten years behind reveals a depth of bitterness, doubt, bewilderment, and helplessness, a constant and silent torture for him.

I listened calmly, my heart inevitably aching. But if I could live my life over again, I'd still find the same outcome. The structure of life for our family of four has to be this way. I blame no one, not even myself.

There's only so much energy and time to raise a child. Ninety percent goes to Lun, and the rest goes to Namm.

Namm was 32 when he shared this conclusion. His insight and willingness to share it with me indicate that, despite being behind, he has climbed out of the dark hole and is heading towards the light, which comforts me. It also means he has accepted reality, without resentment or anger, and no longer fantasizes about how things would have been different "if" his brother hadn't had autism.

Losing one thing brings another. He's not sociable, content with solitude and focused on observation. He's meticulous and loves to reconstruct the whole story in his mind. His meticulousness led him to miss opportunities but gain in meticulous planning. Once he decided on a project, he would execute it step by step. Another strength was his patience and perseverance, allowing him to repeat the same task until he was satisfied.

He greatly admired the Germans' discipline and meticulous approach to work. He taught himself German for two years, starting in grade 11. After entering university, he took every German course on campus and then took the German Cultural Association's German proficiency test, achieving excellent results. Once, after chatting with German tourists visiting Canada, he happily told me that the tourists commented on his German accent, which was very authentic.

He learned Swedish by watching camping documentaries made by Swedish influencers. He asked his mom and I to buy him a dictionary for learning Swedish from German while we were traveling in Central Europe. We did so, and at a bookstore in Salzburg, we explained in detail to the curious clerk why two Hong Kong Canadian parents had chosen to purchase a German-Swedish dictionary.