CHAPTER 70

2025-07-25

What does it feel like to be nearly desperate but lack a way to survive? It is very similar to the shock of the passengers on the bus in the Hollywood movie 《Speed》, who suddenly realized that they were in a desperate situation and could die at any time.

The plot of the movie 《Speed》 tells that a perverted criminal has tampered with the bus. When he activates the device placed under the bus, if the bus is traveling slower than 50 kilometers per hour, the bomb will explode automatically, and all the passengers and the driver will die immediately.

After my acute depression, my emotions, psychology, spirit and cognition were in the same state. The difference between crisis and anxiety lies in how to judge the nature and urgency of the matter. The nature is mainly to distinguish whether the crisis is real or over-concerned. If the crisis is real, what category and severity it belongs to. The way to save it is to examine the plasticity of the conditions you have and transform them into specific executable plans.

But from the very first moment, my mentality was "can't wait". I had almost no concept of time, no idea of "postponement" or buying time. My mind was fixed on "now" or "never". I was sure that the road ahead would become narrower and narrower, and I was sure that I would not survive for three years. In fact, six years have passed and my wife has passed away before me.

That day, my bus was not able to go slower than 50 kilometers per hour, but it was going faster and faster. It had no brakes or steering wheels, and it just kept going forward. My mind was working all day, and I was thinking more and more, all with only one theme in mind.

The characters in Speed were all focused on the crisis of survival. They had no energy to care about other people and things. All they thought about was how to dismantle the bomb under the bus. And I lived in the same survival state and trauma for three months. I suddenly realized that I was living in a dilemma and saw the end of this life. The ending was a complete failure. All the previous efforts were in vain.

I always remind myself that when encountering difficulties, I must not lose my will. This time I not only stopped, but also knelt down. At this moment, I denied my life and everything.

Why was my thinking so simple that day? Afterwards, a senior who I had known for decades said that he had witnessed my family go through different twists and turns over the years, and each time it added pressure to my body and mind, and there would be a day when I couldn't bear it. I never thought of this possibility, because I was still dedicated to helping people in difficult situations, and I was always proud of it. And every time I passed the test, I would move forward and not look back and feel sorry for myself.

Looking back, my conclusion is that I had long-term concerns and short-term worries in reality that day, but there was no immediate danger, and I had the conditions to buy time and make arrangements. Could the brain trauma two years ago have weakened some functions? I believe it is possible.

On the morning of the second or third day of my hospitalization, a female social worker took me for a walk and chatted with me outside the hospital for an hour. It was repeated a week later. When I returned to the hospital lobby, she told me: "Your condition has improved a lot compared to last week." I didn't know it myself, it should be that the bystander sees more clearly.