CHAPTER 66

2025-07-11

Acute depression tortured me the most, it was like entering hell, and after coming back, I never wanted to go back.

In the early morning of June 1, 2019, I was sent to the emergency room in the district by my family for emotional disorders for the second time. This time I was forced to stay in the hospital. I was very unwilling, but also very helpless. I regard this moment as the lowest point in my life, but looking back, it is the beginning of recovery. I am grateful that my wife and younger son worked together to send me to the hospital, so that I can tell my story quietly today.

At the moment of admission, my spirit, mental state and emotions were in the most confused and abnormal state. I concluded that I have been abandoned by my wife and son, and this so-called treatment will end hastily, and then I will be kicked out of the hospital and wander the streets. On the way to the hospital, I looked out the window at the deserted streets in the middle of the night, searching for the location of the public toilet, and kept thinking about how a person could wander the streets, live, protect his property and safety after being abandoned.

This state of my mind is very contradictory. About a month after the onset of the disease, I had suicidal thoughts. I also thought about what method I could use to end my life and what impact it would cause.

Looking back, the two opposite thoughts of suicide and self-help appeared at the same time, which also made me uneasy and anxious. Suicide and self-help are actually about how to avoid and deal with difficulties, rather than "lying down" and letting the environment control you. Although I had random thoughts and some wrong thoughts, my vitality was still there, and my memory was still good, but my interpretation of things changed with time and physical and mental state.

In fact, it was not only me who had problems that night. After dealing with me for nearly three months, my wife was exhausted and seriously overdrawn physically and mentally. She had an abnormal heart rhythm earlier. When the three of us arrived at the emergency room that night, she immediately sought medical treatment and had a physical examination.

When I arrived, although I got out of the car, I was very reluctant to enter the hospital. I was afraid of being trapped and losing my freedom, so I paced back and forth in the outdoor parking lot. In order to prevent me from escaping, my son first told the security guard on duty about my condition. After they learned about it, they agreed to invoke the Psychiatric Ordinance. If I left the hospital without permission, they would call the police and arrest me.

After getting the security guard's guarantee, my son came to tell me and warned me not to escape. This action and development severely hit my self-esteem. I was very depressed that as a helper (social worker by profession), I had fallen to the point of being wanted.

While waiting for the consultation, I went to the counter to check the information on the notice and saw the three categories of charges, including: (a) citizens and permanent residents, (b) those with guarantors, and (c) tourists. The charges are progressive from one to three.

At that time, I believed that I would be abandoned by my family in the hospital, and then I would lose my identity documents. The hospital would classify me as the highest-priced category, and I would end up on the streets because I could not afford the fees. This extreme thinking has its logic, and I firmly believe that it is inevitable, but in fact it is unreasonable, so sending me to the hospital is a reasonable and wise move.

The time when I realized that I was "wrong" was after 7:30 pm on the second night of hospitalization.