CHAPTER 64

2025-07-07

The night I went to the emergency room again, I had no hallucinations or illusions, but I was full of imagination. Everything was exaggerated to the extreme. I lost all confidence in people and things, and my sense of security was gone. I believed that I was in a desperate situation.

On the night of Wednesday, May 29, 2019, I was sent to the emergency room for the first time because of emotional breakdown. After the doctor's diagnosis and prescription of sedatives, I was allowed to be discharged from the hospital about eight hours later. It was after midnight on May 30. After going home to wash up, I was extremely tired and went to bed to rest. At this time, I had lost confidence in everything, but I was convinced of my own ideas.

I woke up the next day and called the public psychiatric clinic in the area to arrange the first meeting, which would be at least a few weeks later. On the same day, I resumed taking the psychiatric medication prescribed by my family doctor, and that day was relatively peaceful.

But my condition worsened again on Friday. Looking back, the sedatives in my body had worn off on Friday morning, and I continued to take the "wrong medicine" prescribed by my family doctor. My mental state had reached the point of paranoia, my body was weak, my nerves were extremely tense, and I thought everything would be the worst. At this time, I was already a frightened bird, worrying about nothing.

The strange thoughts that appeared in my mind that day included worrying about encountering accidents when going out, my mobile phone was broken and could not be repaired, my friends could not come to pick me up for some reason, and would I meet bad people on the bus?

The night I went to the emergency room again, I had no hallucinations or illusions, but I was full of imagination. Everything was extremely exaggerated. I lost all confidence in people and things, and my sense of security was gone. I believed that I was in a desperate situation.

That day, my younger son drove us to the city center to repair our phones. Then, a friend picked us up to visit another couple’s new home, and we went out for dinner together, and then the couples drove us home. I was as anxious as usual that day, talking non-stop, but my friends didn’t respond.

Today I can calmly recall the situation that day, but I was definitely in a much worse state that day than today. My son also studied psychology. In the early stages of my illness, he tried to listen and counsel me, and suggested that I write down my thoughts and feelings, and organize my thoughts and concretize them through words. But the more I wrote, the more shocked I became, and I became more worried, so I stopped soon. Later, he consulted a senior in psychology and knew that if I had suicidal thoughts, I would have to be sent to the hospital.

Two months later, he also began to get discouraged and then depressed. My wife and he’s concern for me turned into tolerance, and they couldn’t bear it anymore and got angry. I interpreted their anger as rejection and abandonment of me. They sent me to the emergency room on Wednesday evening to teach me a lesson and to obey them in the future.

On Friday night, he had an appointment to go out, but after observing my performance, he was worried about leaving his mom alone with me, so he decided to send me to the emergency room again and strongly asked his mom to agree. After they agreed, I believed that this time they were using the excuse of sending me to the hospital to kick me out. At the same time, he took notes and excerpted my condition.

After the police medical escort on Wednesday night, I knew that resistance was useless, so I reluctantly followed and got in his car. It was late at night and there were few cars on the road. I kept looking for a public washroom to prepare for how to live alone on the street after being abandoned by the hospital.