CHAPTER 53

2025-06-03

I have been suffering from acute depression for six years and three months. I have not had a relapse so far and my mental state is stable. It is time to review, reflect and summarize this most difficult experience in my life.

All the twists and turns I have experienced in my life, including illness, entanglements and separations with close relatives and friends, and financial and life pressures, are not as tormented as acute depression. My wife, my younger son and I are all scarred physically, mentally and spiritually.

During that time, Lun had lived in a care home for thirteen years, and the impact on him was very small. The most important thing was that I reduced the number of visits to him. Later, due to the outbreak of the Covid-19 epidemic, the interaction between family members and roommates continued to decrease, and Lun finally got used to it. My parents also live in senior homes, and I could not visit them.

The impact of life that can be compared with acute depression is accepting and caring for Lun, who is born with a disability. When he was diagnosed with severe autism, we were both grief-stricken, with no way out and no one to help. We did our best to take care of him, which was exhausting both physically and mentally.

Although Lun's growth was slower than his peers and the gap between them was getting wider and wider, he still made progress and was still able to inspire those who loved him. His presence and companionship were enough to comfort us and his younger brother who was born later, so there was joy in the midst of suffering and full of warmth.

The power of acute depression is that it makes the patient blame himself for "failure" and believe in "despair". The root cause is the loss of confidence and hope in everything. If the patient does not have external help, he may be completely submerged in extreme negative emotions in an instant and cannot save himself. Rehabilitation is a process of regaining and rebuilding confidence.

Did the brain trauma in early 2017 affect my brain function? I have no way of knowing. After the accident, I could not go to work and recuperated at home. My recovery was slow and gradual. At the end of the year, something happened to my parents. My mother was weak and her finger inflammation deteriorated rapidly, causing the risk of amputation. The three brothers here took turns to take care of my parents and urgently sought help from the Senior Care Office of the local Health Board. After learning about it, they arranged for my mother to stay in a nursing home as soon as possible. My father was not used to living alone and had emotional problems.

In dealing with the care and financial issues of my parents, the brothers in different places focused on different things. The frustrating plots in Hong Kong TV dramas appeared. The conclusion was that the brotherhood no longer existed. This was a heavy blow, and I couldn't recover with peace of mind.

Until early March 2019, another problem appeared. The persistence and hope of more than 30 years disappeared in one night. From that moment onward, my thoughts could not leave that problem. I kept discussing solutions with my family and relatives. My anxiety increased day by day, so that the people around me could not calm down, and my family became neurotic.

Even when I was extremely tired, I could not fall asleep. I would wake up as soon as I closed my eyes. I had no interest in things, activities, or people. My life came to a standstill. I had no appetite. When I felt hungry, I would just eat something casually. I became thinner and thinner, and lost 15 pounds in three months.

At the end of the month, I asked my family doctor for help. She told me to prescribe a psychiatric drug that my seniors usually take. I started with a low dose and tried it. Although my condition continued to worsen, she increased the dose twice because there were no side effects. Insomnia continued until the end of May. I had no energy or physical strength to do things or drive. Daily life and getting along with my family became a mess. Finally, my wife and younger son knew that they could not handle it, so they decided to seek professional medical services immediately and called for help.